July 17, 2007 by zeeliciouszee.

Arghhh. I’ve been meaning to write this up before Book 7 came out, but I’ve recently discovered that Deathly Hollows has been leaked, so please excuse the rush job. I’ve been informed that some douche got his hands on a copy of it and videotaped the entire book. Don’t ask me how he managed that, but it’s somewhere floating around on the internet now. Don’t ask me where to get it, I saw a snapshot of the first page and stopped there.

So, until July 21st, I highly recommend unplugging your internet, locking yourself in your home, and avoiding all forms of contact with the outside world. Do NOT order delivery. Do NOT pick up your phone. It takes a second for someone to shout out “Snape kills Dumbledore!” [Sorry to everyone that hasn’t read Half Blood Prince yet. If it’s any consolation, I haven’t read it yet either.] You’ve been warned. And that’s my CYA.

Now, the reason I wanted to have this written up earlier… Dumbledore kills Snape. That’s the facts. I’ll go into a bit more detail later. Before that, I’m going to proceed to give my predictions for Deathly Hollows. And again, I haven’t seen anything past the first page, so I make no claim about the truth of these statements, but I’ve been known to be right about a lot of things.

To start: Snape’s good. Harry thinks he’s bad. Again. He’s going to be chilling with Voldemort’s crew up until the very end. Then he kills Lucius. By the end of the book, Snape either dies, or becomes the boss of some significant wizardry organization. And maybe he gets to teach defense of the dark arts.

As you may or may not have heard, someone close to Harry Potter will be dying in this book. Name? Sirius Black. Rowling will absolutely not kill off one of Harry Potter’s “close friends.” Reason: Kids will cry. Many will be traumatized. Parents will send Rowling their therapy bills. So Ron and Hermione are safe. The older Weasley brothers are done with school, theoretically they shouldn’t even be in this book [but we all know they will be]. Ginny can’t be killed for reasons I’ll get into later. And Neville’s been getting scrubbed for way too long [4 books] to bite the dust. I might give her Cho Chang, but that one’s kind of a stretch. I don’t think Harry has any other friends [I really don’t give this kid enough credit].

So here’s the logic behind Sirius Black dying. Again. He never exactly dies. He kind of just gets sent into another dimension and no one knows where he ends up. But he’s Sirius Black - that’s synonymous with bad ass. He was one of those prodigy wizards, he’s going to find a way to come back. People love him, so it’s going to get the effect rumors are claiming. At the same time, he’s been taken out of the picture before, so people won’t be totally flipping out when they read it. Again.

How will Sirius die? Killing curse. Same thing as Harry Potter’s parents. Rowling’s a fan of subtlety. More often than not, she likes to throw in a little bit of irony too. Supposedly Voldemort learned not to underestimate the “power of love.” Yeah, I think not. I’m sure you can see the brilliance of this “plot twist.” I feel pretty convinced that, despite all rumors, Harry Potter does NOT die. Rowling’s trying to pull a fast one by making us believe that the possibility is up there, but she’s not going to pull a double. Please.

The Harry Potter series continues after Deathly Hollows. Maybe not Harry Potter, but some spin-off will spawn. I have bets on Ginny getting her own series. She’s a solid character that we don’t quite know enough about. In her first year [Harry’s third?] she goes on her own crazy adventure that we don’t really hear about. One of her close [and whacky] friends is already established [Luna Lovegood]. Plus, she’s 2 years younger than Harry Potter’s crew, so in her 6th and 7th year, we’ll get to see what the aftermath of Deathly Hollows is like in Hogwarts. Not to mention, you get the story from a female perspective and we get to see how crappy Ron’s summers are. To recap: Ginny won’t die in Book 7.  She’s going to be big in future Rowling books.
Neville saves Harry’s life. Again, this kid has been getting scrubbed far too long to not do something important.

Dumbledore kills Snape! This is a bit more of a joke than anything else, but I’m certain Dumbledore comes back. And Rowling makes a nod to Lord of the Rings, as he comes back as “Dumbledore the White.” Now, that one sounds like a joke, but it was serious. Dumbledore’s first name, Albus, means “white” in Latin. Do your homework kids. Dumbledore is absolutely, positively a tribute to Tolkien’s Gandalf. In a poem titled “Errantry” by Tolkien, a dumbledore is a beetle known to visit the shire every year. Check The Tolkien Reader for a reference. I didn’t, but I’m well informed.

Do you seriously want me to believe that Hogwarts is going to be running without Dumbledore. The Ministry despises Hogwarts. The only reason it’s, for the most part, the way it is is because Dumbledore is at its head. If you take Dumbledore out, the Ministry can do whatever they want with the school, and then it’s all over. There wouldn’t even be any magic in the school. It’d just be like a boarding school… where giant spiders eat kids.

Trust me, I’m certain on this one. Dumbledore’s coming back.

And he might kill Snape.

Posted in Looong, Fun and Games | 3 Comments »

February 20, 2007 by zeeliciouszee.

I’ve been requisitioned to hold a discussion concerning why no one likes smart people, but everyone wants to be one. I’ve decided that the Spider-man 2 quote would make for an appropriate title. *This is an interesting point in and of itself that I’d actually like to refer to again later*

“everyone wants to be smart. no one wakes up wanting to be average. everyone wants to stand out or prove themselves in some way. however, if you stare at someone doing it. standing out. being better. you want to be that person, and that person shows you what u can be but you aren’t. so how can you like that? the flaunting image of what you are not but of what you want to achieve?”
-From the desk of L

Fact: It is always possible for people to be better than what they are now. Better can be measured in an indefinite number of ways, but here are a few examples: appearances, personality, wealth, cleansliness, talent, and intelligence (You love the five axes references, get over it). Try to argue with me. Good, we’ve established that no one is perfect.

Fact: People WANT to be better than what they are now. Again, we all dream of the day that our complexions will miraculously lighten and we can walk the Earth as if we were gods and goddesses. What’s missing? There’s room for improvement, and we want it. Why don’t we have it?

Given our example, the subject is incapable of being better than he or she is. The subject was actually given to me as a hypotherical situation and doesn’t pertain to anyone in particular, but I have yet to meet anyone that it isn’t applicable to. The feeling the subject experiences is what we might call “jealousy” - the desire for that which we do not or cannot have. Often, like many emotions we feel, it can lead towards bitterness or hatred. Hopefully, this is all still given and I’m not moving too fast. I’d hate to have to explain how emotions work because, quite frankly, I have no idea.

I think this is where the debate really starts. How is it possible to want to be something you hate? I suppose I could try to explain that being jealous of someone is slightly different from strictly disliking someone. That really doesn’t accomplish what I’ve set out to do here. Actually, I think I just totally changed the direction of where I was going here. Looking back at the discussion, it looks like I need to try to disect the paradox of jealousy. Great. This won’t be hard. Thinkthinkthink…

We’re selfish. Sorry, that’s the best I have right now. Humans are selfish jerks. We want more for ourselves and less for everyone else. Example: I really wanted to give a good example for this, but nothing outlandishly inspirational or outrageously funny comes to me. BUT I’m sure you are all aware that when your neighbor wins the lottery and you go over to congratulate him or her, you’d much rather punch him or her and take the lotto ticket. We want good things to happen to us, even at the expense of others, and especially if we don’t know them. I make no claim at being a psych major, so I’m going to leave it right there. However, I can discuss ways of overcoming it. I offer four solutions…

One: Wait. Cheesy: Time heals all suffering. In a couple years, it won’t be that big of a deal. Unless of course it is, in which case you move to one of the next two solutions.

Two: Get the thing that you’re jealous of the person having. Maybe even 1-up them. You’re friend just got all 5 seasons of 24? Go buy Extreme Makeover Home Edition. [Boo!!! I know, that was a terrible joke. I don’t actually watch either show, but I saw a great opportunity to get in a few easy burns. Sorry.]

Three: Inflict pain. The above won’t work in the lottery example, so let’s just go with that thought we had back when we were congratulating them. Pain doesn’t necessarily have to be physical, it can be mental too. I recall a strip from Calvin and Hobbes where Calvin’s having a bad day and takes it out on that annoying smart girl that’s always bugging him. It ends with the line “Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.” So when your friend is the first kid on the block to get an iPhone, drop a piano on him. It’ll make you feel better.

Four: SUPER CHEESY. I’m almost embarassed to say this one. That’s a lie. I’m VERY embarassed to say this one. Okay, I’m going to suck it up. Let me get a drink first… And this is it… It’s coming up… Right here… It’ll be here soon… You’ll see… Really soon… It’s… urghhhh… can’t breathe… dying… call… ambulance… … … F it. Learn to love the person. Waitwaitwait, explanation before you crack on me. When someone asks you what “love” is (and I don’t mean the super sappy romantic love) what’s the definition you come up with? For me, I define loving someone as caring more for or equally for their well-being in comparison to your own. I’d go into more depth, but that’s another story for another time. Anyway, if you use my definition, is it even possible to be jealous of them? We can talk more about this later.

—

At first, I wanted to respond to this with “the grass is greener on the other side,” but that doesn’t answer the question at hand. For the sake of not deleting an interesting thought (and not ending with that last bit), I’ll digress: Smart people don’t like to deal with the (please forgive me here) “responsibilities” that being smart entails. I’m told there are pressures to maintain the smart image once you’ve obtained it (I say “I’m told” because I wouldn’t actually know, don’t ask). As for people wanting to be smarter, I think we already did that.

For further insight, I’m going to recommend reading Daniel Keyes’ “Flowers for Algernon.” Coincidentally, I finished it just a few weeks before this discussion was brought to me. For anyone that hasn’t read it, it’s the story of a mentally challenged man in his 30s who’s given the opportunity to undergo a surgery that will increase his intelligence. That’s an understatement. It makes him a genius. I believe he learns somewhere in the ballpark of 25 languages, living and dead, in the course of a couple of months. Of course, there are consequences to this. He quickly discovers the faults of society and becomes extremely critical of others. Go read it. Seriously.

And this brings me back to the first paragraph where I said there was something interesting in the title. Originally, I wanted to make a reference to “Flowers for Algernon.” I opted against this in fear of not appealing to the majority of my reader base and went with the more popular Spider-man quote. Why did I choose to downplay my literary knowledge? I’d rather try to fit in than to flaunt how well cultured I am. Can you believe that? Trying to be with the majority in my own domain. Where do I get off giving up intellectuality for acceptance? Some people would kill for intelligence. Well guess what, some people would for acceptance, too. Thinking yet? Good. Before I end this post I’d just like to give my thanks to L for inspiring me to write this one. I hope it was along the lines of what you were looking for. To anyone else with topics they want to see discussed, please don’t be afraid to bring them up. The floor’s completely open.

Posted in Requests, Looong, Rants | 1 Comment »

February 8, 2007 by zeeliciouszee.

It’s been over a week now, so I suppose it’s due time for me to write a good piece. This is the one you’ve been waiting for. Sorry for anyone that knows the score already, but I’ll try to go a little more in depth with this explanation.

My iTunes library has over 4,000 songs and growing. I think that’s something like 2 weeks of continuous play. So how do I make a decent playlist? Pretty simply: the rating system. Any 4 and 5 star songs make it to my mini, everything else stays at home. Where am I going with this? Again, the answer is: the rating system.

“That’s a 9. Easily.” “Are you kidding? Look at all that butter! Not even a 6.” “Bags are cheap. You can probably feed a family of 7 or 8 with that many bowls.” What was that? For anyone that didn’t catch all that, here’s the idea: that’s a sample excerpt of three typical guys rating a girl passing by, presumably on a scale of 1-10. The first guy is pretty straight forward. The second guy refers to “butter” or “butterface” because she looks great but-her-face. The third guy is a chauvinist and suggests putting a bag on her head. Bowls is short for bowls of rice, a unit of measurement commonly used for Asians. Scoring low on bowls means you’re going to starve. I’m getting tons of “wtf”s right now; I can feel it. The girls can’t believe anyone would talk like that. The guys can’t believe I’m cracking the code.

Okay, now that I did the lead-in, I think we’re ready to have a real discussion: MY rating system. It’s called “The Five Axes.” At the end of each of these axes is a star. As the name implies, it’s scored out of 5 - there are no halves. I hate how people use a 1-10 scale, but never give people 4’s. Likewise, please don’t use a 100 point system and only use 80-95. It’s just dumb. Sure, it’s funny to give someone a 17, but what’s the difference between a 92 and a 93? With the Five Axes, you can clearly define where someone is lacking. Also, and this is probably the best part, you can legitimately give people zeros. Iknowiknowiknow. I’m awful. But let’s continue with the axes…

The First Axis: Looks. We all know what this means. Ask yourself: “Is she a looker?” That’s a yes or no question. “Maybe” or “Kind of” are NOT acceptable answers. Either she is or she isn’t. Absolutely no partial credit. If a girl has a rocking body but a huge nose, you need to decide if her body outweighs the need for plastic surgery. If it doesn’t, then that’s butter - no star. If you’re still conflicted, the question is really asking “Are you physically attracted to her?” See how simple that is?

The Second Axis: Personality. “Is there any mental attraction?” This includes high/low maintenance. Do you need to always be there with her, or can she be a little independent sometimes? There’s a little more gray area in this one, but you still need to commit to one way or the other. Because there are so many different types or personalities, you have to determine which one(s) are your thing. Perhaps you’re looking for a bad girl in your life. Maybe you want someone you can baby. Or you can always be into the studious library girl type - they’re pretty cute.

The Third Axis: Wealth. I get complaints about this one, but it’s important. Don’t even try to pretend that it’s not. The idea is that the more money the girl has, the less that will be coming out of your pocket, and the better gifts you get on special occasions. If you’re not benefiting from her father being the CEO of an investment banking company, she’s not getting the star.

The Fourth Axis: Housekeeping. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, garbage. It’s all right here. Like personality, there’s some gray. Because there are so many ways this can be measured, you need to pick out what’s most important for you. Some guys can cook pretty well, so for them, a girl that does the dishes would be great. Then there are guys that don’t know how to dress themselves in the morning. They need a girl that can match their socks. Whatever is most important to you is what earns the star.

The Fifth Axis: Talent. Any particular skill that you find attractive, whether it be singing, dancing, swimming, juggling, or whatever freaky fetishes you might have. If you like to go clubbing, your girl needs to be able to keep a beat. If you like to sing karaoke, she needs a 3 octave range. Athleticism counts too. This was kind of my wild card axis. There were a number of facets that wouldn’t get covered for a myriad of reasons. I found that talent made a good cover-up.

And that’s the general breakdown of the Five Axes. Just count up the number of stars she earned and that’s her score. I’d say an average score falls around a 2. I wouldn’t touch anything lower than a 3. There are a few things that could be more refined that I’m working on, but I’m hoping to eventually make this system universal. Which brings me to another brilliant part of the system: it’s unisex. Girls can use it just the same as guys. Genius. Pure genius. Okay, now you can send me hate mail.

Posted in Looong, Randomness | 7 Comments »