It’s been over a week now, so I suppose it’s due time for me to write a good piece. This is the one you’ve been waiting for. Sorry for anyone that knows the score already, but I’ll try to go a little more in depth with this explanation.
My iTunes library has over 4,000 songs and growing. I think that’s something like 2 weeks of continuous play. So how do I make a decent playlist? Pretty simply: the rating system. Any 4 and 5 star songs make it to my mini, everything else stays at home. Where am I going with this? Again, the answer is: the rating system.
“That’s a 9. Easily.” “Are you kidding? Look at all that butter! Not even a 6.” “Bags are cheap. You can probably feed a family of 7 or 8 with that many bowls.” What was that? For anyone that didn’t catch all that, here’s the idea: that’s a sample excerpt of three typical guys rating a girl passing by, presumably on a scale of 1-10. The first guy is pretty straight forward. The second guy refers to “butter” or “butterface” because she looks great but-her-face. The third guy is a chauvinist and suggests putting a bag on her head. Bowls is short for bowls of rice, a unit of measurement commonly used for Asians. Scoring low on bowls means you’re going to starve. I’m getting tons of “wtf”s right now; I can feel it. The girls can’t believe anyone would talk like that. The guys can’t believe I’m cracking the code.
Okay, now that I did the lead-in, I think we’re ready to have a real discussion: MY rating system. It’s called “The Five Axes.” At the end of each of these axes is a star. As the name implies, it’s scored out of 5 - there are no halves. I hate how people use a 1-10 scale, but never give people 4’s. Likewise, please don’t use a 100 point system and only use 80-95. It’s just dumb. Sure, it’s funny to give someone a 17, but what’s the difference between a 92 and a 93? With the Five Axes, you can clearly define where someone is lacking. Also, and this is probably the best part, you can legitimately give people zeros. Iknowiknowiknow. I’m awful. But let’s continue with the axes…
The First Axis: Looks. We all know what this means. Ask yourself: “Is she a looker?” That’s a yes or no question. “Maybe” or “Kind of” are NOT acceptable answers. Either she is or she isn’t. Absolutely no partial credit. If a girl has a rocking body but a huge nose, you need to decide if her body outweighs the need for plastic surgery. If it doesn’t, then that’s butter - no star. If you’re still conflicted, the question is really asking “Are you physically attracted to her?” See how simple that is?
The Second Axis: Personality. “Is there any mental attraction?” This includes high/low maintenance. Do you need to always be there with her, or can she be a little independent sometimes? There’s a little more gray area in this one, but you still need to commit to one way or the other. Because there are so many different types or personalities, you have to determine which one(s) are your thing. Perhaps you’re looking for a bad girl in your life. Maybe you want someone you can baby. Or you can always be into the studious library girl type - they’re pretty cute.
The Third Axis: Wealth. I get complaints about this one, but it’s important. Don’t even try to pretend that it’s not. The idea is that the more money the girl has, the less that will be coming out of your pocket, and the better gifts you get on special occasions. If you’re not benefiting from her father being the CEO of an investment banking company, she’s not getting the star.
The Fourth Axis: Housekeeping. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, garbage. It’s all right here. Like personality, there’s some gray. Because there are so many ways this can be measured, you need to pick out what’s most important for you. Some guys can cook pretty well, so for them, a girl that does the dishes would be great. Then there are guys that don’t know how to dress themselves in the morning. They need a girl that can match their socks. Whatever is most important to you is what earns the star.
The Fifth Axis: Talent. Any particular skill that you find attractive, whether it be singing, dancing, swimming, juggling, or whatever freaky fetishes you might have. If you like to go clubbing, your girl needs to be able to keep a beat. If you like to sing karaoke, she needs a 3 octave range. Athleticism counts too. This was kind of my wild card axis. There were a number of facets that wouldn’t get covered for a myriad of reasons. I found that talent made a good cover-up.
And that’s the general breakdown of the Five Axes. Just count up the number of stars she earned and that’s her score. I’d say an average score falls around a 2. I wouldn’t touch anything lower than a 3. There are a few things that could be more refined that I’m working on, but I’m hoping to eventually make this system universal. Which brings me to another brilliant part of the system: it’s unisex. Girls can use it just the same as guys. Genius. Pure genius. Okay, now you can send me hate mail.
February 8, 2007 at 9:14 pm
…. complaints.
- It’s not meticulous (sp?) enough, especially for girls who are debating who they like better when they have multiple suitors, all with the same stars.
- I’ll add more complaints later, yes. complaints. cause my Color system is cooler.
February 8, 2007 at 9:15 pm
I whole-heartedly agree with the system. It doesn’t cover everything, but it covers a lot of the important stuff. And I guess this would define the mental process the brain goes through when judging someone. Pretty good I’d say, all in a nutshell.
February 8, 2007 at 9:25 pm
Makes sense, I just sure as hell don’t want to meet someone that’s just the bottom three though. And I thought that two bowls of rice with butter on it was good… for food at least.
February 9, 2007 at 12:05 am
Man that studious library type, you know me too well Zac man!
February 9, 2007 at 12:27 am
I think this does make sense, because when I recommend guys to girls, it’s always
1) is he good looking
2) is he nice/funny or is he an asshole/jerk/lazy ass
3) is he a broke ass mofo.. if u 2 went out, would YOU have to drive and pay for his shit?
4) hygiene goes over housekeeping for us girls.. is he smelly or does he shower at least once a day?
5) this is the wildcard too.. like, “he speaks espanol!!” or “he knows how to make fruit tarts”..
so it all makes sense! although to me, HYGIENE is the most important.. if a guy smells, i don’t recommend him no matter how hot he is, how nice he is, or how rich he is.. no fucking way..
and yes, u are talking to a person who smelled cologne, and sniffed people around her to find out where it came from.. and then proceeded to ask all the guys around her.. hey, i wanted to compliment them on how good they smell!
February 10, 2007 at 2:28 pm
I can’t believe it’s not butter…